waitress tales

Smokin in the Boy's Room

Wed, 2010-05-05 22:01

So I was working in the restaurant one day, running the cash register. That kinda puts me in charge by default, without any official power. They trusted me enough to handle huge stacks of cash, but not enough to make the decisions to keep the place running long enough to close up and get home. I am cool with that, but on this particular occasion my loyalties do get tested.

During this particular shift Ellen comes out of the kitchen and tells me that Juan has caught a couple waitresses smoking something reeeally funny.

Now I don't really care what the waitresses do as long as they tables happy. I do however know that Ellen is very straight and will probably tell the owner what happened. I figure I better get to the bottom of this right away.

I go and find Juan. Juan is fresh outa Mexico. We are pretty good friends because most nights I take the Mexicans wherever they want to go and then home. We have a pretty good rapport and therefore I am surprised when I asked him what happened to have him tell me, in Spanish:

"Lady, your dress is black"

I know when I am getting the runaround. I proceed to tell him in extremely broken Spanish that the owner will ask me and therefore I am asking him.

Juan understands and walks me to the men's room. He demonstrates what happened. Seems our rocket scientist waitresses not only think the men's room is the proper place to smoke their hooch but that is unnecessary to check the stalls.

Don't you people know about the dumpsters? I mean really...

So I call the owner on the phone.

Owner: Did that really happen?

Me: Yes Juan really took a crap.

Not sure whatever happened to the waitresses.

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I Am Not Giving You Any Cobbler

Fri, 2008-04-04 03:54

When you work in a restaurant, you have people coming in right at closing time on occasion. I never let that bother me too much. Sometimes people can be tired, lost and hungry, and they can be real grateful to you if you feed them.

That is not the same as people who just sit there and talk long after the place is closed, but I did not bring you here to talk about them.

So I am there working one Tuesday night, and doggone if a really big table of about 9 or 11 don't come in three minutes to closing. I know it was a Tuesday because there was a special on Tuesday and doggone if one of them doesn't order it. Special comes with dessert. An extra step.

So I get them all fed and start on the stuff I gotta do before I can leave and maybe get the old man a Pepsi and get him and me fed before midnight. I do a few things and then I figure it is about time to take that guy his dessert.

I just get it and put it on a tray because I figure hey, if he don't want it, somebody eat it.

I make it out to the table. The guy who ordered the special is sitting with his back to me. I am standing right behind him, when he says kinda loud like:

"Well I ain't leaving a tip."

I immediately say, just as loud like, "Well then, I ain't giving you your cobbler."

I was hoping for laughs. I had figured in the possibility of insults. What I got was something I never imagined.

Blank Horrified Stares. Lots of them. I meekly say OK and give him his cobbler.

Soon after, they start to leave. This is where the truly amazing part starts. One by one, the other people at the table take me aside, apologize, and hand me wads of cash. They suggest I try comedy. They compare me to Carol Burnett. One of them even offers a direct explanation.

"Sorry about that guy, but ya know, he is from Tennessee."

It almost moved me to admit the truth, namely, that I am from Tennessee too.

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Is It Time To Wake Up?

Mon, 2008-03-10 05:16

For some odd reason I was just thinking about the restaurant I worked at many years ago. The lady who owned the place is quite the character to put it mildly. Every day the job was entertaining, but usually not in a good way.

The owner seemed to see me as an interesting little pet because although I would show up on time and do what needed to be done, I could not be bribed, bullied, shamed or provoked to anger. No doubt she considered me to be a bit on the slow side. The experience was outrageous.

I want to tell you about one particular shift I worked. I was running the cash register. That kinda puts me in charge, but being the village idiot not really, it is more like the folks who are in charge aren't here right now. Not like nobody at all is in charge, but kinda. Not to worry, I can handle this. Try me.

Anyway, my shift ended without incident. I went home.

This was during the time that the owner thought it might be a good idea to stay open 24-7. I am not sure it worked out all that well, but that was what was going on at the time of this story.

I get a phone call at maybe 3am:

owner: "Where's the money"
me: "I dunno, where did you tell me to put the money?"

This is not a small chunk of change I may add.

I tell her where I put the money. She sends someone to look for it.

owner: "Did you hide it?"
me: "I dunno. Did you tell me to hide it?"

We wait.

owner: "Is it time to wake up?"
me: "don't think so"
owner: "You mad?"
me: "waaa_mfg"

I guess whoever she sent to find the money does find it where I said it was.
owner: "OK bye"

funny way to make a living.

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I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut

Sun, 2007-12-30 00:48

OK, so I was working in a restaurant a few years back. Ok, quite a few. I was running the cash register and was more or less in charge. I happened to see a customer cross the floor with a plate, headed for the waitress. This really looked like management should be involved, so I started over and intercepted the customer just as she caught the waitress.

Turns out there were bugs in the food. Teeny tiny bugs. Now, you can say anything you want about this particular restaurant, but the place was clean. Really, really, really clean. I don't know how the bugs got in there. I took the plate and instructed the waitress to find out if there was anything else she could get the customer.

I took the plate back in the kitchen. The owner was trying to leave. I followed her around the kitchen trying to get her attention. She ignored me. Finally I stood still and cried "It's got bugs!"

The owner looked at the plate, and told me they were piss ants. She told me to tell the xxx cook to keep the xxx piss ants out of the xxx food. I turned right around, looked at the cook, and said "Can you keep the xxx piss ants out of the xxx food?" He says yes.

I also got permission to give the customer her meal for free.

The lady came up to pay. The original item she had ordered was pigs in a blanket. I did not even know that we had pigs in a blanket on the menu. I was immediately caught up in a dilemma.

Do I say it? You know I gotta.

"Ma'am, I am ever so sorry. That is a new menu item, and we ain't quite got the bugs worked out yet."

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